Ah crap, he’s listening to Converge covering The Cure. This isn’t good.
At the moment I feel like the rest of my life will be one gigantic panic attack. I love her. I do. I can say that here. Safely cocooned in my anonymity. For several months, she’s made me feel whole. My carnality curses the timing with which she blew into my life. Economic downsides outweigh all other factors. She says she isn’t moving up there to be with him, it’s just a place to start over. Half of me believes her, the other half is pointing out that she’s been cheating with me on a loveless relationship, that’s now ending as she moves 4 hours away into a room in a house where a boy in men’s clothes has already professed his love to her months ago. To me he’s like cellophane, I see through him into his true intentions. He doesn’t love, he simply wants. Without reason or emotion. Remember when I said I can read people now more than ever? I predict catastrophic failure. I fear for her. She lets her situation dictate her course instead of letting her course dictate her situations. I’m trying to hide my feelings, be aloof, be there for her without pushing her away. It’s difficult. I want to scream my emotions into her heart. But I know what that does. Nothing good. Nothing productive. So now I hold my breath, I hold back my shaking extremities, I’m holding on while telling myself to hide my grip. I don’t let my situation dictate my course anymore. I’ve grown up. The problem with growing up, is that finding a higher precipice means falling a greater distance and the ground comes rushing up so much faster. Sudden stops. Sudden changes. I don’t want this to change. Inevitability be damned. I want to press pause. I wish I just had one night. I’d show you. I’d make you never forget. I’ll wait. For now. Like a predator, stalking, and when I see my opening, I’ll strike. The longer I live, the more it becomes clear: This life owes us nothing but a hard road to walk. I’ll be there to put out the fires. I’ll be there to sweep you to safety. Just watch. I might even catch you. But I also might just let you fall. Changes are coming for us all.
I keep hitting this delete button, hoping that it will delete the bullshit and set everything the way it should be. Your head on my lap, my hands on the wheel, a bag of money in the trunk as we drive to Vegas, or wherever. Fuck it, who needs a destination? All I need is you. All I want is you. Yet you’re just out of reach, close enough to kiss, but too far to hold. My problem isn’t that I fall too easily in love. It’s that I keep getting the right one put in front of me at exactly the wrong time and who wouldn’t fall for that? I’m your knight, I just don’t have the shining armor, because it’s overrated. I wished I didn’t know how this story ends. But I do. I’ve got some time to rewrite the ending though. Maybe the maiden does ride off into the sunset. But she’ll have thoughts of me running through her head all the way. I’m not going out without a fight. I’ll be a wolf until I die.
-Eagle
Funny how fast clocks run when you aren’t controlling their hands.
Testing… one… two… three… … … …
I find it incredibly comical that as soon as things go wrong and you’re left standing there like a sap, suddenly you start talking to me again. It’s more interesting to me that this seems to be how it always goes. I get with the sub-par option, because I’m lonely, I become to attached too quickly (even though this time I didn’t lose my mind over it) they go on to someone else, I end up saying fuck it, start something new with someone 1,000x better, their person they left me for doesn’t work out (called it) and they suddenly come back to me. I haven’t talked to you in several months, legitimately not a single word, and suddenly now you’ve got things to say to me? I mean, yeah, ok, it WOULD be easier to go get drunk with you, end up at your place and fuck like animals, and while it wouldn’t be cheating, because I’m not actually in a relationship, it’s still against the principle, this chick I’m seeing now really means something to me. I’m not going to let convenience trump quality. Temptation is a mother fucker, and while I’m MORE than willing to bury my face in your chest again… I’m better than you. Plain and simple. I pulled your strings to get you and now that I’ve let go they’re being pulled even harder by the rock at my feet. You don’t want me again. You just want my attention again. This ain’t my first rodeo. I’m a wolf, you’re too easy of prey and I’m not hungry enough.
-Eagle
I feel like I’m adrift in a sea of excess and falsehoods. I can see my future, it’s clean and pure, my past is constantly under inspection in order to learn from it. But my issues lie within the present. I’m tired of being powerless, I’m tired of swimming against the tide of those who want nothing more than to dramatize my life by pulling rugs out from under me. More so, I hate that these people have so much power, and even more so, I can’t do anything about it. I’m tied to them with my own needs. It’s like an anchor of necessity. I feel like the more I give the less I can depend on them. I’m beginning to think I’m only down to 2,3, maybe 4 people I can truly believe and trust. Even then 2 of those are only 50/50 and one of them is a love interest, and I know not to trust that until I know I can trust that. I feel the disconnect, I want nothing more than to sever ties and float onward. I just can’t. I’m so afraid I’ll lose her. I’m so afraid I love her. She’s not even the problem, but the situation is so fucked, that in order to keep seeing her, I have to keep dealing with the problem. It’s like being so far out to sea, that if you try to swim to shore, you’ll drown, you can see a light from land, but it’s too far away, so you cling to the buoy, but it’ll never get any closer.
- Eagle
No power in the ‘verse can stop me.
Exhaustion fighter, flaw righter and ruiner for the people, I take back lung smoke like those G.I. Joes take back freedom. I can’t stop feeling the featureless, and I can’t touch fearless because it strikes in the hearts of then that gaze upon this envisioned visage of unrighteous tightness. I want everything my fingers touch and eyes take in, if only I could hold it in my grip, maybe then my eyes could shut more than once a night.
The only faith I know is pumping in your chest, it goes bump bump bump and tells when to grasp and twitch, it’s a goddamn shame instead of blood it’s full of shit.
Cynical, perverse. Obscure, opaque and driving in reverse. I can’t see a fuckin thing because this bitches bra is over my face. I swear to god I’m not aiming for these people, but that doesn’t mean I don’t smile when I hear them hit the bumpers like Who’s Tommy?
-Eagle
An Addendum.
To this.
The problem with remembering, is not being able to forget again.
-Eagle
I know who you are baby. I know what they call you girl. Never put you down baby. I’m just like you. Baby I’m on the hunt.
It’s become a game to me. The things I’ve learned about myself and people in general over the past few months has made it so that I can read situations so clearly that I actually know where they’re going before the people involved in them do. So why, if I’m able to see these interactions before they happen, am I still affected by them? It’s in my nature to be jealous I suppose, any connection is a strong one for me, unfortunately it’s sometimes one sided in it’s intensity; And even though I’ve steeled myself against the storm I know so well, it still will flood my streets with debris when the black clouds show themselves. I don’t love her, I know I can’t, and I know it wouldn’t work, but to think of her in another embrace, it does me no favors. “I want you to know, I’m going to fuck you tonight, but I just want to stay friends.” Little did I realize, she may not have meant sexually. But given the chance, I’d still just say “That’s great.”
Dog will hunt.
-Eagle
Might not be what you’re looking for, but I’m all that you’ve got tonight.
I’m becoming what I’ve always wanted to be, I just wish I could tell if that’s a good thing. I’ve always wanted to be the dirty, cynical, jaded, tough as nails and hard diamonds, lover man, anti-hero type. Low and behold, it’s happening, all I need is a motorcycle and a cut or a horse, six shooter and sick hat and I could be the ideological star of the movie. Problem is, all this sex, drugs and rock and roll isn’t making me feel like the confidant, charismatic character I play on my mind’s eye movie screen. I feel more disconnected than ever. Being able to read people’s thoughts, actions and beliefs before they’ve decided to make them, solely through pattern recognition and exploitation is incredibly useful, and also one of the most disheartening experiences I’ve ever been involved with. I feel like I’m building my own gallows.
-Eagle
For your pleasure
You’re welcome,you dirty opportunist
for an adult playground for two
or three
or four
or just one
slowly excavating through the soil
finding how boring excavation can get
Its not me,its you
its us two
or three
or four
ripping ourselves apart
laying rotten on your bedroom floor
clamoring for elation
all for you;I’d want nothing more.
-lioness
Everything means nothing to me
Not a statement of complete truth,but of ultimate decision. Everything else means nothing to me.
Last night was a perfect combination of events for ending transmission. Your expressed lack of interest in anything only serves to sink me deeper into a sea of black run off from your soul. Oh,The purposeful nature of your perfect little mouth and nasty little lies.You arnt a bad person,just a person,and that is what Ive always wanted. I riddled myself to get a rise and yet the ship was so stable in a resolve Ive never seen up close,let alone on you,to let me know—clarification would be a step above inference,a step you’d never take.
I ask myself why I choose the constant struggle of you and I never knew before.
The pain keeps me going. It gets us closer to a plateau two can only rarely get to : complete destruction of spirit.You take me to a place no one can and the curious pixie deep within wants a discovery like no other. Your hands on my throat are the only thing that can get a rise out of me and when you give me that I’ll give everything I have to take you deeper—to live off your lament for as long as I can.
Life with you has been such a long suicide note.
-lioness
